Showing up for myself

The ebb and flow of finding this balance without pressure.

A note: this letter and publication used to be called ‘Musings in Writing’, and I recently changed it to moss & amber. Read more here: on changing my publication name.

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In 2023, I burned out and it left me without energy. I had used up all my reserves and I had been running on nothing for a long time. I had to lay myself flat to be able to recover. Some days, 1.000 steps around the house was the best I could do.

I accepted it, but just that, was a journey on its own. Luckily, I got to the point that I could let me body rest completely. No steps, no expectations, no plans. Nothing.

It took a long time, and different methods to help my body feel unclenched, at ease, not alert or expecting. One of the things that helped me was getting massaged. In February this year, I went for yet another treatment at my wise and magical masseuse. She always starts by asking how things are and what I want to feel at the end of the session. I told her about how I am lost for energy, and I can’t get started. I could feel my body needing to move more, but I had no incentive. My body was scared of a higher heart rate. It was scared of not having its boundaries respected. I was afraid and my body had become a wall. I wanted to feel energy again.

She advised me to start shaking the body, as it helps trigger energy and the brain understands that it feels good to move. A week later, I started Flow - 30 days of Yoga with Adriene, which was a healing and renewing. I kept at it for the whole 30 days, I was so proud. I knew it was too much to ask to keep on doing it everyday after. It was okay for it to be sporadic or more. I continued anchored on having no expectations, no pressure.

Then, a few months ago, I went for another session. I talked to her about how I still feel without energy or motivation. It had improved, but I still felt (and sometimes still feel) a blockage. I was compassionate towards my energy level, but also wanted to be able nudge myself , without creating pressure (which had been my drive for as long as I can remember, and it has never felt healthy).

She shared with me how she takles it, and it starts with: “I’m always going to show up for myself, no matter what.” I was surprised by the simplicity of it. For me, it meant reframing a pressure or task, into something nurturing. Becoming something good and warm, fulfilling and tender, endlessly gentle.

It was exactly what I felt like when I did the 30 days of yoga, I was showing up for myself. I was doing something that felt nurturing, even when I didn’t feel like it. The more I did it, the more I looked forward to it, like a cycle of wellbeing. I knew how I would feel afterwards, and it became my motivation.

Even when I don’t feel like something, but I know the outcome will be a good feeling in my body, I can show up, to feel whole and nurtured. Sometimes, I have to respect my energy levels, but planning is my solution to this. ‘Maybe not today, but tomorrow I will make time for it’, making it something I look forward to.

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The showing-up-for-myself-list

As I started to outline my list, I decided to divide it into two: the physical and the emotional. They are connected in their outcomes, but whereas the physical implies movement for me, the emotional implies stillness and feelings.

— The physical support

1. Going to places of comfort, like the beach or basking in the forest

2. Going for a walk, where I tune in to my senses and notice more

3. Doing yoga or another physical practice that makes you feel good

4. Shaking the body, making it feel relaxed

5. Treating yourself to a massage, or another treatment that resonates with you

6. Allowing a day of nothing, without guilt

— The emotional support

1. Meditation & its calm afterwards

2. Setting boundaries, f. ex.:

   1. Give what you can give to others, not what others want from you

   2. If it’s not a yes, it’s a no (courtesy of a session with

      Sarah Lynas
      )

3. Journalling regularly

4. Being creative:

   1. Seasonal crafts, as yarn projects or making decorations

   2. Create a digital moodboard

   3. Or a physical moodboard, with glue, scissors and old magazines (the ever creative and playful

      Sarah Robertson
      has a guide for you)

   4. Photographing, either by going a little walk, or creating fun flatlays

5. Reading books, that feel right for my mood or season

6. Carving moments of calm, with the elements that makes them for you (for example, blanket, book, tea, candle, garden)

And the list will continue to grow, as I find new things I can add.

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What if it still doesn’t work?

I still find that it is hard to show up for myself at times. I started to wonder why it is so, why I choose numbing agents (tv, phone, staring into space, chips, etc) rather than spring into something that I know will make me feel good. And the only reason I could I think of is that it is easier, and just there. Could it be short term gratification, or the need for numbness. Perhaps, it’s just hard to turn it around.

I decided to patient. I have a theory that this is a muscle that needs to be trained. So, I try to ask myself regularly ‘how can I show up for myself today?’.

I am learning to exercise this muscle. As I slowly do one thing more, my memory remembers the reward.

Also, and this is important, I try to make it sustainable and really remember the gains. Sustainability allows me to grow slowly, both willingness and making time for it. For instance, when I can find the need to walk but I don’t feel like it, I set a timer to 10 minutes and turn back. Even uninspiring, I come home and body feels happy. It doesn’t have to be a 10k walk. Adding to this, I try to remember the gains or good feelings by journalling afterwards. This way, I am recording the feeling and it becomes even stronger in my mind.

This is also why I made the above list, for when I forget what makes me feel like I have shown up to myself, I can be inspired by it.

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Lastly, honesty and finding your own way

The truth is that it’s trial, error and discovery. To dig down to find what feels good for ourselves. Leaving behind perfectionism, and letting curiosity take its place. Slowly, patiently, I started finding what motivates me. I still forget and restart, but noticing what excited me to move has been valuable for the less motivated periods. Even if it means to go out on a walk with a timer, and be looking forward to getting home to get a warm cup of tea.